Recently, during meditation, I heard a young inner part of me, loud and clear: “I am not allowed to be happy.” I had just received the publication date for The Blossoming Lotus, my up-coming poetry book. Instead of excitement, I felt suddenly depressed. How do I get this inner part to enjoy life itself, with all its milestones along the way? How do I break the “not allowed to be happy” rule and allow myself to fully experience joy?
For most writers, getting a publishing date for their book is an occasion to celebrate. After days of waiting for this date, when it arrived in my mailbox, I felt my heart racing, my stomach fluttering and my palms sweating. A few years back, I’d be asking myself what was wrong with me or, I’d be questioning why I don’t feel happy and proud of this achievement. This time around though, although I didn’t fully understand my reaction to good news, I knew I needed to feel it. My mother was there, in the background of my mind.
Free to feel joy
One night, as I was listening to a sleep meditation, with some positive affirmations, when I heard: “Free to feel joy.” My heart jumped – it is the best way I can describe it. It was uncomfortable but, it was clear to me, my low mood was linked to NOT feeling free to experience joy and happiness. The next morning. during meditation, I heard a young inner part, loud and clear; “I am not allowed to be happy. Mum doesn’t want me to be happy.” This inner part felt total despair and deep sadness. My heart did another somersault, and I felt my facial muscles drop, my jaw shaking as if I was a child about to burst into tears. I tried to rectify my facial expression but, couldn’t. I relaxed into it and felt the full force of her despair. My body started to shake a little. I breathed into all of this and then, opened my eyes and grounded myself as I had just experienced a powerful shift.
I didn’t deserve nice things
I later understood what happened: I fully embodied this young inner child. The body-shaking signified a release of energy. For the rest of the day, I let all my emotions and experience settle down and guide me. I had flashbacks of instances when my mother would ask me if I wanted some new shoes, or this dress, just to say: “Well, you can’t have it.” There was a day when I laughed and she demanded I stop laughing. By my late teens, I had forgotten about my deepest desires/ dreams and dared not ask for anything anymore. And, yes, there were many occasions that proved life was shit, I didn’t deserve nice things or I certainly wasn’t to expect to achieve anything of value and to get an easy ride.
For those who declare “Happiness is a choice.” as if all we have to do is decide to be happy and, then instantly experience delight, it is simply not true for someone who has been abused throughout their childhood and, had to give up hope to survive. Hearts, lives, and dreams have been shattered and few lucky ones are supported well enough, in adulthood, to go on leading a fulfilling and joyful life. It takes time, patience, and tender loving care into nurturing a brain wired for survival into a brain wired for simply enjoying being alive.
I kept breathing loving kindness, and self-compassion through these intense emotional and visual flashbacks. I reached out to my friends who understand that, for me, it is hard to fully relax into this amazing experience it has been, so far, to write and to get my poetry book published! It is a bit hard when people around me are so excited and keep on congratulating me! I kept having this “something isn’t quite right” feeling as if I was expecting something terrible to happen. As if, I was doing something wrong in achieving my dream of becoming an author!
Let the Universe love you, support and guide you
When I asked this young inner part what she needed from me, the answered: “Don’t leave me!” Most of my inner parts asked me not to leave them, and to, please, and love them. I validate their painful experiences and their feelings, and then I see them getting cozy within my heart center, being showered in unconditional love. I then, gradually, feel them relax. I keep meditating on the guidance I receive a lot at the moment: “Let the Universe love you, support and guide you. You are no longer alone. You are the Universe/Light/Love in a human form. Focus on your loving relationships with everything single inner precious part of you and everything else will fall into place.”
During these times of shifting and processing. I can feel emotionally drained. I feel more sensitive too. In times like this, I repeat my favourite motto: “Gently does it.” There are times for action or inner work, and there are times for rest.
Take gentle care of yourselves.
Sylvie
- For Inner Parts work, check out Dr Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family System -IFS
- For Self-Compassion, go to Dr Kristin Neff’s website: Self-Compassion
- Read: Experiencing More Joy and Fun in My Life
- The YouTube channel Great Meditation has lots of wonderful meditations – 5 mins to an hour long . This channel has helped me a lot. I highly recommend it. Click in the link below.
Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist
Author of The Blossoming Lotus”
https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus
