TRIGGER WARNING: Topics in this article include childhood sexual abuse and may be sensitive to readers.
At the beginning of July, I received a package: copies of my book and promotional material. I danced around my flat, my heart racing with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I met a dear friend and we celebrated. As the week went on, I started to be overwhelmed by a sense of doom, futility, and fear. Hello, old friends.
I had it all planned, in my head and I had already approached my local bookshop for a possible book launch there. All week, it seemed impossible to get the ball rolling on that. I felt a sense of urgency. The panic to get things done and quickly. I didn’t want to miss out on any opportunity. I needed to accomplish things so as not to become a failure. I felt as if I’d done something terribly wrong or that something terribly wrong was just around the corner, in the shape of my cruel mother, mocking me, and punishing me for not succeeding at anything, before I even started anything. I was experiencing strong emotional flashbacks, from distraught inner parts.
For a few days, I kept a copy of my book, by my side. ” I created this! ME!” It seemed unreal. I slowly shared to great news with my closest and dearest. I received a lot of congratulatory texts and voice messages; “Wow, you are amazing.” or “Well done!” I wasn’t able to fully welcome those sweet words. I felt so anxious, I experienced stomach and chest pains for a few days. I felt low. It was quite similar to what I described in my previous article “The Pleasures of Life” But, this time, even more intense. A part of me was rejecting the praises. “All they see is the result but, they don’t know how I truly feel.” Some might think of the book as a TOTAL victory over my past, but it isn’t.
Because it has been a while since I felt overwhelmed by emotional flashbacks, it reminded me, that, although I have been going through deep emotional and spiritual healing for the last few months, I carry parts of me that are afraid, terribly afraid. There are things I carry that might never go away. I still have days when I need to rest. The world outside is full of love and joy, yes, but, at the moment the darkness seems to take more space. I hate going out in busy places, using public transport is very stressful. I need my routine, to keep calm.
So I eased myself into this by slowly reaching out to a wider audience on Social Media. “Here is The Blossoming Lotus” I reached out to my friends who, as always, understood my emotional experience. I meditated and used the New Moon’s energy to sever all cords still shakling me to my mother. (The new moon is always a great time to release and invite something new.) I saw Mother in her own bubble of light and me, in my own. I saw her floating away… away and disappearing. I then welcomed the energy and the Love of the Divine Mother. It occurred to me, I no longer needed my “human mother” who brought me so much pain, it nearly killed me a few times. All the Love I need is here and now, within me all around me.
” After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway.”
I went away for a few days. It was a welcomed break. It was still an emotional time, being back in France in an area I avoided for decades, meeting a half-brother and his family. I even met a long-lost half-sister. I never had a father but I have found a loving and caring family. After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway. I have experienced acceptance and the freedom to be myself as I have never experienced with family.
One evening, after my mini break, before sleeping and focusing on the Divine Mother, I felt Her cuddling me, soothing me as I saw “Baby Sylvie”, this new-born inner part who was never wanted nor loved. I felt this inner baby feeling loved, comforted, and soothed for the 1st time. As the days passed, I had a strong inner knowing I was no longer in a space filled with and ruled by abuse, neglect, and emotional pounding reducing me to a miniature size. I now occupy a bigger energy space, filled with Love, Compassion, joy, and goodness that I readily share, first of all, with my daughter and friends and, then with the wider world.
“Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.”
We live in a society that solely focuses on external results and success. People hear of victims and survivors of child abuse stories and it makes great movies, books, great TED Talks. Of course, it gives hope and inspiration. We certainly NEED hope and inspiration. However, It seems to be so easy to forget someone’s pain and challenges: “Oh, look, She has a job/ opened an exhibit (…) , she is fine!” or “Wow, he has been through so much, it is amazing!” Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.
Let’s celebrate our achievement, yes, but, let’s not forget that, for some victims and survivors of child abuse, “victories” might be a time of confusion and stress. All the love and all the praises, from the Universe/ the Divine Mother (or God/ Goddess) and from people around me, can be very overwhelming to some of my inner parts. This recent energic shift I experienced, and now occupy, is new territory so, of course, it is going to feel uncomfortable. During difficult times and even during times of celebration, I now know I need to take gentle care of myself and ease into things.
I believe we are all beings of light, living a complex human life, in a complex human world. Gently does it.
You can also read: “Child Sexual Abuse: when healing is painful” on Winter Turns into Spring.