My name is Lizzy, and I am a survivor of child abuse and trauma. It’s been several decades since I escaped my childhood and started again but the past is still living inside me and if you are a survivor like me, you will understand what this feels like. Traumatic memories never really go away but they fade naturally like paint and don’t sting as much when we heal. Our healing journeys are as unique as our individual situations and we each go through the emotions of everyday life as we live in this complex world.

In this article, I want to address the importance of self-care. I lived in denial for years because I kept telling myself that “I was just fine.” I didn’t seek or wanted any support because to get close to anyone would inevitably end in heart ache and that gnawing pain like tooth ache. I was not interested in opening myself up to any difficult conversations and people who wanted a piece of me but nothing to do with me. Some people in this world can be cruel and that affects me so much more in daily life than the deep hurts I suffer with generally from my past. I feel things so much more than others and I constantly hear people tell me to “just get over it,” “grow a set!” or “go get thicker skin.” It’s not the nicest to hear and I get where people come from when they say these comments. They are asking me to dig deep to a time when I felt safe and happy to get over a new situation, but the things that make me upset are constant reminders of where I have already been. It’s like being shot by thousands of tiny nails and not being able to fend off a single one. The emotional damage was done when my brain was still developing, and it is all I have ever experienced. When I hear people argue, fight or raise their voices at me – it all comes back, instantly! If you are not a survivor, this sensation feels like being dragged out of a warm bed and thrown into an icy ocean with wave upon wave attacking every follicle of your body at the same time. It is not a nice experience, and it is not something you can just “get over.”

It takes time. Time that we often do not have in our busy schedules. I cannot just plop in “emotional meltdown” in my calendar and take a sick day to recover. Life doesn’t work like that. So, I end up crying in the restrooms or at the end of a hallway or in an empty room where I try and mop up my own emotional meltdown off the floor as the tears stream down my face.

These are moments that happen to all of us survivors. Life gets tough and we need a do-over, a break from our busy schedules and just try and hit that reset button of our emotions. This is a time when you need to take time out for self-care. It sounds corny, I know. Why on earth do we need self-care? Well, we do need it. We crave it and our bodies will thank us for it when we give self-care a chance.  Self-care means that we take care of our mental, emotional, physical, environmental, spiritual, recreational and social parts of our lives. Here are some self-care moments to try when you are feeling emotionally challenged and life gets tough:

  1. Breathing – Our very essence of our lives is breathing. Just taking five mins of being still and breathe…. It sounds silly but trust me, it works! I never believed in this simple task until I tried it. Take just five minutes out of your day and breathe…. Just breathe deeply in and out. If you need a visual you can use your hands by holding one finger at the start of the tip of your thumb on the other hand and breathe in as you move your fingertip down your thumb, breathe out up towards your index fingertip, breathe out down it and in as you go up the middle finger…. You get the idea! Do this finger breathing to the pinky and then back again to the thumb. Once you are back you will feel better. Your heart rate will have slowed down and you will have found a nice even rhythm of breathing.
  2. Grounding – If you are really struggling with emotions and you cannot see the “trees for your tears are in the way,” then this is the self-care you need. Grounding simply means getting back to the moment that you are in. You simply use your senses. For example, think of 5 things you can see, four things you can hear, three things that you can touch, two things that you can smell and one thing that you can taste. I guarantee that once you have thought of all of those, you are well and truly back in the moment!
  3. Sleep / Rest – Sleep is vital for our health and well-being. When we sleep our mind and bodies reset and rest. This is especially important if you are suffering from nightmares or disturbed sleep. Try a cup of herbal tea before bed and see if that helps you relax into sleep.
  4. Exercise / Change of scenery – This is an excellent way to get rid of unwanted emotions and regulate your nervous system. I love to hike, and I go out in all weathers to the mountains or the forest, even the beach, which is a drive away for me. Exercising doesn’t always mean cardio activities. It can simply mean having a change of scenery but if you love to have a brisk work out – then why not? I love running and swimming and those are my “go-to” activities when I need it.
  5. Music / The Arts – Music is something that is very close to my heart. I love listening to music and I also love playing my own music. I play the guitar and flute. Whenever I play my young son joins me on the clarinet and it makes us both laugh. Music can bring such joy to your life whether you just listen to it / sing or play an instrument. This is an excellent way to let go of emotions and allow the music to help you through a difficult time.
  6. Water – Water is something we all take for granted but simply drinking water regularly can do miracles for your health, especially if you are feeling down. A simple shower or a bath can also help lift your mood. Why not take ten minutes after work and the kids are in bed and running that bubble bath? You will feel better after soaking and relax.
  7. Journaling – This is the tool I used to get through an impossible childhood. I am a writer and an author. I write for myself and for people who have no voice. I journal and take my fingertips for a walk every day and it makes me feel happy and relaxed.
  8. Hobbies – What makes you tick? What do you enjoy doing in your free time? The answer to that is the self-care here whether it is driving cars / knitting / carpentry or scouting to mention a few. The list is endless. Take some time out during your busy week and spend it the way you want to.
  9. Yoga / Mindfulness / Meditating – These are two ways of relaxing that have been proven by many to work. Find a class near you and give it a shot! You’ll know if it is the right activity for you. I have found that it works well for me.
  10. Family / Friends – These people are a vital part of your life. You need to stay connected to people, especially if you are like me and cut off your bio-family. People who love and care about you will want the best for you. Let them in when you are sad and emotional and allow them to comfort you and talk you through it. Take some time to arrange a coffee date with someone you know and chat for an hour. If coffee is not your thing then maybe a drink in a bar is?
  11. Food – Eat healthy regular meals and keep drinking that water! A healthy diet will fuel tired muscles and help you through those tough days. If you don’t have time to eat lunch then maybe put an energy bar or a piece of fruit in your pocket, so you have something in your system.
  12. Set goals – It is January and a perfect time to set some goals for the year ahead. Give yourself something to look forward to and work on that.
  13. Positivity – Whatever you do, try and stay positive. The world is a negative chaos right now with far too much disasters and wars all round us. It is hard to take it all in. I want you to try and think of two positive things in your life to every negative thought. This has helped me.
  14. Gratitude – Feeling grateful for the life we have can be hard especially when you are down. I want you to try and visualize a good moment. A time when you felt happy and focus on that. Even when life is tough, there are glimmers of goodness out there. Focus on those moments and be grateful for them.
  15. Nature – Take a day and go someplace new or spend it somewhere you don’t normally do. If you like to do yard work, then go ahead. If you like to take the kids for a picnic on the beach, then that is where you go. Find time to go into nature.
  16. Creativity / Crafting / Reading / brain games – Do an activity to get your creative side going. You will soon forget your emotional rollercoaster when you are occupied with a riddle.
  17. Pets – If you have a pet, then spend some time taking care of it. Taking care of others are a great way to feel better.
  18. Mental health / Therapy – Accessing therapy can be a life changer and help you feel better. Be open and give it a shot.

Give yourself a pat on the back if you make it all the way through my list of self-care. I am sure you will be feeling much better. Just remember that there is only one of you and you need to take care of you first, before anyone else. If you are a survivor, then the above self-care is vital to guide you through life. There is always another sunrise bringing with it endless opportunities. You are not alone!

My name is Lizzy and I am a survivor.

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