(content warning: spanking, physical violence, blood)
Which word? Violence or abuse is semantics, a distinction without a difference. Which word to use is not the most important consideration. If you have lived with No Contact Physical Violence/Abuse, what is most important is that you identify how you were affected by this and get help to heal the bruises to your psyche.
When There are No Bruises on the Outside
When there are no bruises on the outside; how do we identify Abuse? How do we identify when insults become Emotional Abuse or when arguments become Domestic Violence; when there are no bruises on the outside?
Can physical violence be physical abuse, if no one is hit?
Inanimate objects can be broken, smashed, punched, burned, or thrown, even thrown in the direction of someone, yet the victims are not hit and have no bruises. Is this physical abuse?
When my father was physically violent, he was in a rage; yelling and insulting someone or everyone. I felt scared, fearful, vulnerable, powerless, threatened, angry, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, overwhelmed, repulsed, hopeless, terrified, and there are more. Running away from him was not an option. Arguing or fighting back was quite dangerous. The safest thing to do was stand there as a neutral observer, showing none of my own emotions, yet responding to him in a way that was agreeing and hopefully would appease him.
There are stories of broken dishes, a broken kitchen table, holes punched in walls, burned clothing, a stabbed water bed, and a permanent dent in a wooden door from a flying 1970s heavy, cut glass ashtray. An example from my family strongly paints a picture of what no contact physical abuse can look like.
Broken Glass and Bloody Walls
I was 18 and had recently moved out of my father’s home, where I had lived with my father and step-mother, 2 younger step-brothers, and my younger half-sister. My father was gone Sunday night through Friday night as an over-the-road truck driver. My step-mother asked for his permission (because his permission was required) to repaint and wallpaper the kitchen and dining room, during the week, while he was gone. Permission was granted.
She completed the redecorating and bought two new pictures for the walls at the local Ben Franklin Five & Dime store. Dad got home the next weekend and was angry because he had not approved buying new pictures for the walls.
That Saturday night, he and my stepmother went out. He got drunk. Once home, while verbally fighting he smashed his fist and forearm into the glass of one of the new pictures. Then he walked around and threw blood from his bleeding hand and forearm onto the newly painted and wallpapered walls.
A classmate of mine was babysitting the younger kids at our house. During the fight, she grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen, took the kids upstairs, and hid in a closet.
I stopped by that Sunday morning and saw my father sitting at the dining room table with his hand and arm in a bloody towel, with ice on his wounds. The table was littered with empty beer cans. He was trying to decide if he should go get stitches. Actually, he was probably waiting to sober up before going to the doctor.
My father hid his drinking and violent behavior from his parents, sister, and aunt. Unannounced, they all stopped by; and walked into the same scene I walked into. My father told them that he slipped and fell. They asked no questions and the visit proceeded like all was fine. They are sitting in a room with blood spray on the walls, beer cans on the dining room table, and my father with his hand in a bloody towel with ice.
The Unspoken Threat
I remember three spankings from my father before I was eight. One was over a living room chair. One was with a vehicle engine belt. One was with a machete, while I was running. (Thankfully, I was not cut.) I don’t remember much actual hitting of people.
Yet, when an event like the broken pictures was happening, I always knew the physical violence could be turned on me at any time. “You could be next” is the unspoken threat.
Physical harm would happen to me, if I spoke up and crossed a certain unspoken, yet clearly understood line. Running would have been seen as disrespectful and unacceptable. Showing fear or crying was unacceptable. Every victim needed to NOT show their emotions. I learned to emotionally dissociate, to shut off feeling my emotions. In my late 40’s, I finally identified this series of behaviors in myself and started to call it “Submit and Appease.”
Normalized Violence. Abuse? Symptoms?
The abuse was happening in my home before I was born. I didn’t know most of my symptoms were mental illness symptoms; they were just how I lived. After seven years of continual therapy, I am still identifying more symptoms and triggers.
Angrophobia, yes, ANGRO, not agoraphobia, is the fear of anger. I have an intense fear of people who are angry or who I have seen get angry and honestly, even someone a bit irritated triggers me to high alert. The sooner I could identify a parent being irritated, the sooner I could emotionally dissociate, appearing neutral, and try to appease them. I was always hoping for less outrage. In me, this all happens subconsciously; this is an early childhood learned response.
My “submit and appease” routine is an automated immediate response. I can appear emotionally neutral in less than a second. People don’t even know I am scared of them or why I drift away from them.
In the broken glass scene, when my relatives acted like nothing was off or wrong, their actions gave the message that this was normal and acceptable. In my fifties, I realized they must have seen scenes like this before or they would not have been able to disconnect from their emotions and just have a “normal” visit in that setting.
It was harder for therapists and for me to identify the abuse because no one was hit and there were no bruises on the outside.
The many effects, including angrophobia, have cost me friends, relationships, and stable employment for many years.
“No Contact Physical Violence” or “No Contact Physical Abuse”?
Breaking, punching, and throwing objects is certainly physical violence. I debate whether to call this physical abuse. There is danger. There is fear. There is a threat. Yet, there are no bruises on the outside.
I would be no less scared, had I been hit. And, had I been hit, I would have been less confused about if this was abuse and I would have been accurately diagnosed sooner. I was severely affected by this no-contact physical violence.
Which word? Violence or abuse is semantics, a distinction without a difference. Which word to use is not the most important consideration. I lived through No Contact Physical Violence/Abuse. What is most important is that I’m identifying how I was affected by this and getting help to heal the bruises on my psyche.
I still struggle with the memories, triggers, and neuropathways that were established during events of no-contact physical violence/abuse? These are bruises to my mind. Therapy and self-help work is helping me to decrease my struggles and increase my comfort in life.
Which word? Violence or abuse is semantics, a distinction without a difference. Which word to use is not the most important consideration. If you have lived with No Contact Physical Violence/Abuse, what is most important is that you identify how you were affected by this and get help to heal the bruises to your psyche.
This scratched picture, with missing glass, is now a family heirloom, to remind us of what we survived. Now that we are adults and realize we lived in constant fear, in an abusive household, even though we had “No Bruises on the Outside.”
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Roger Reynolds
After 25 years in and out of therapy, Roger was finally accurately diagnosed with Complex PTSD in 2014, at 45. An accurate diagnosis changed his self-help research and treatment plan, which is improving his life.
Hoping to increase understanding of CPTSD from a survivor’s perspective, Roger is starting the YouTube Channel “No Bruises on the Outside” https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCH6Wt1pchefOSB-IRo2R0hA Roger’s highest goal is increase CPTSD awareness and understanding so diagnosing is earlier and treatments more on point, leading to less suffering and more comfort in survivors’ lives.
When writing or speaking, Roger works to incorporate science and personal stories to deliver a down to earth, easy to understand presentation. Roger has been a public speaker and educator for more than 20 years. Since 2019, he has been speaking about mental health struggles, skills, treatments and his life story. Behind his family’s public façade of a peaceful dairy farm in southwest Wisconsin, USA, near the Mississippi River, was domestic violence, alcoholism, denied parental mental illness, stalking, death threats and more.
Powerful stuff. I too suffered from this type of familial no contact abuse. Your ability to articulate your feelings and reactions is something I greatly admire and envy a little as well. “Submit and appease” is so much more accurate than how I describe it “becoming invisible” because I feel like everyone has wanted to be “invisible” at one time in their lives and they tend to associate my description with that type of maybe embarrassing event and aren’t able to understand why that would be so awful… I never had heard of angrophobia, your description perfectly describes my reaction to any hint of anger or aggression as well. I guess what I’m try to say is thank you once again for your courage to share these things. I’m sorry you endured this but thank the universe for putting you in my orbit as I’ve learned so much from you.
Amy, I am sorry you lived through similar events. Thanks for all of your kind words. You are also very good at writing. Abuse continues in silence, so I am speaking out. The more we survivors can identify the abuses we survived, the better we can validate and care for ourselves. Your kind, validating and supportive words mean a lot to me. This is why I decided to start writing, making YouTube videos (link is in my bio here) and public speaking. Ironically, I learned some of my clear communication skills trying to talk about reality with my gaslighting family, who were working really hard NOT to talk about what they had really done or said.
What I call “submit and appease,” Pete Walker calls “Fawn.” He has written more about it here. http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm I hope to have a post here a couple of times a month. I have posts planned about “all emotions are valid,” “reading micro-expressions,” “emotional dissociation,” all leading up to a piece about “Submit and Appease.” I am so glad you learned a lot from this piece and I hope my future pieces continue to help you better understand what you lived through, so you have less suffering and more comfort in your life. Roger
I have had panic attacks and shut down dissociation when someone gets directly angry at me for something due to angrophobia from my childhood. I had this happen once at work so badly I had to leave an hour early before the end of my shift because I felt so sick and like I was going to pass out and/or throw up from fear.
This is the first time I’ve heard or seen tale of someone else experiencing what I am only just beginning to understand. I’m 31, and have been in trauma therapy for 2 years now working on all my reactions to my childhood abuse, neglect, and other traumas thrown in.
My parents’ and older brothers’ anger and violence towards each other was, mostly, no-contact violence/abuse towards me. It was mainly directed at each other, but I greatly feared their anger and it being directed at me.
I still tremble when I get in a conflict with someone now, even knowing they’re giving me a safe space to have that conflict with reasonable listening skills being used. But, any hint of anger or frustration on the other party’s part and my hyper-vigilance turns on and I usually subconsciously try to fawn and then want to kick myself later for it.
Kayla,
I am so glad you found this post helpful. I found the condition angrophobia by doing searches about “fear of anger.” I can relate to leaving public or work situations, because of reactions connected to my childhood. Yes, the slightest irritation in someone’s voice, and I am on high alert, too.
Sorry, but kinda glad I’m not the only one who’s had to walk out of places due to being triggered. I just thought, initially, I was exasperated with other people and their behaviors, but turns out I’ve been triggered most of my life and coping by “fleeing” the room, usually quietly by removing myself without a word, or just a quiet word unrelated to the trigger.
Very odd to realize these were avoidance behaviors after starting therapy. I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to handle my strong emotions better.
Kayla, thank you for writing publicly here, too. Yes, abuse continues in silence AND survivors continue to suffer in silence. I was almost 46, before I was accurately diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD. That was 8 years ago this spring. I have learned a lot in these past 8 years, and I am still learning about my learned behaviors from childhood, that are not needed with non-abusive folks (eg: just because someone is irritated, their next step is not to start breaking things. That is a new concept to me.) I am glad you are learning how you have been affected. This kind of learning has been eye-opening, shocking, helpful and healing for me.
Yes, as we survivors speak openly about what we lived through and what we live with, others can learn and hopefully, heal some.
I think my next two posts here will be interesting to you, also. I explain how triggers activate neuropathways in the brain. (I explain neuropathways, using common non-traumatic examples.) Then I explain how common nice actions can be triggers depending on the abuse.
Thank you for sharing your story Roger. I too lived through something similar. Constant fear of my mothers rage. She only hit us a few times but she didn’t need to. We were in constant fear of her without the beatings.
Jess,
You are welcome and thanks for your comment. Yes, when one knows violence is always possible, fear of it is always on one’s mind.
Thanks Roger. Made many actions of abuse clearer to me. And some actions are both non contact physical and emotional abuse. E.g. Hurting pets, chopping down a loved tree, slamming doors. My mother burnt my books when I was a kid…trashing others property is also non contact physical abuse. When you can define things better it’s easier to deal with them. So your article is very helpful for me.
Nadine, you are most welcome and I am so glad this help clarify some understandings of abuse that is not always easy to identify; that was my hope. Yes, I agree, most, if not all, no contact physical abuse is emotional abuse.
You are spot on to identify some more no contact physical abuses. Sadly, some abusers are very clever, careful and yet, highly effective. To damage objects and animals that someone else cares about is certainly no contact physical abuse.
I agree, the more we can identify actions and non-actions as neglect or abuse, the easier we can deal with them. Well said.
This heavily mirrored my childhood and although I wasn’t hit, my mother was frequently battered in front of me, and 50 years later the memories are vivid. I was an only child. He loved me the best way he could but I lived in total terror most of the time. The difference is that I deeply wanted to fight but couldn’t. He died when I was 15 and I was mostly glad. I then became the tiger unleased from the cage and soon confronted everything I could get my hands on. I never bullied but became an extreme protector of friends and family. Still would be if i got a call for help. His death seemed to remove all fear for me in the world. My mother said I was “meaner than a wharf rat” and I can’t deny. It’s only after so many battles and heartbreaks now at 50, I avoid confrontation every way possible, mostly by isolating. But still I’ve instinctively run right into the middle of domestic violence by strangers a few times with no concern for my wellbeing. It feels like just a permanent part of me. It’s not a brilliant tactic for a woman of my age, but it’s still instinct. Thanks for your story.