Add wings to your trauma recovery by using The Three C’s.
Choice– coming to believe you have the power to choose.
I stayed in a relationship with my abusers for over fifty years. You don’t think they maintained that kind of power by telling me the truth, do you? They never said, “Hey, Rebekah, by the way, everything I’ve been telling you is a lie. You are the one who actually has all the power—and, as a separate person, you have the right, even the obligation to say no to me. Abusive people aren’t going to give you that gift. You have to take it.
Commitment-It’s going to take everything you have.
In the same way, CPTSD symptoms dominate your life, healing from them will require an equal amount of time and effort. Focus on your commitment. Remember the long game. While one of the greatest rewards of healing is getting your life back, there is an even greater reason to pursue it. You are taking a stand against darkness and the effect it has on you and the people you love. Healing is a quest. It is a journey. It is sacred. It is the reason for being alive.
Connection-It’s going to take healthy relationships.
There’s no getting around this one. Human beings are made to exist in relationships. That’s just one of the reasons “relational trauma” does so much damage. As a focus of your commitment to healing, be intentional about the relationships you pursue and the ones you are currently in. Practice saying no to unhealthy people and saying yes to the ones that support your healing journey.
Healing from trauma is not easy. Why? Why can’t I just do the three things above and in a couple of months be over it? Why do I have to practice and practice, go forward a few steps, back up, start again, re-group, etc? Because there are obstacles that stand in our way. I’d like to address the most powerful one.
Author Stephanie Foo calls it: The Dread. Another name for it—is perceived threat. You may have heard it described as anxiety or fear. Whatever you call it, it is powerful and pesters us, trying to get us to give up. It can even keep us from beginning a journey toward healing at all. It is the thing that motivates abusers to be abusive and it is the way abusers keep you plugged into their system.
Driving through Virginia in the early hours of a mid-summer morning, everything is covered in white fog. Humidity creates clouds of steam that rise from the pavement. It coats the grass and covers the trees, even rising from the surface of a pond. In a similar way, The Dread makes it difficult to see the truth. It skews our perception, and we will do anything to avoid it. Giving up may seem like the best option. It is not. For our Star Trek fans, remember the Borg? “Resistance is futile.” This is what The Dread tells us. It lies.
Resistance is the path to hope. Use The Dread against itself. It’s telling you there is a problem. Take time to dismantle it with the truth despite how you feel. How does it tie into your past? Wield the weapon of choice, make a commitment and pursue connection. Defy trauma, and embrace joy!
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Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.
