This article was originally published on The Mighty.
There is a therapy trick that I’m willing to bet you’ve heard of. It’s a popular technique used to quiet down negative self-talk, a type of reframing called “naming.” Basically, you give your inner critic a name with the intention of reducing its power over you.
Some therapists might take it one step further by encouraging you to reimagine your inner critic as someone you are not a fan of. Then when that voice gets noisy, you go ahead and tell them off.
It might sound something like this:
Inner Critic: No one likes you.
You: You know what *politician that I hate* no one likes you, I on the other hand, am awesome. So shut your face.
Commence healing.
As I mentioned, this is a popular tactic that works nicely for a lot of folks, and if you’re one of them that’s great. Sadly though, it doesn’t work for everyone, myself included. Indeed, it typically makes me feel even worse. So…
It was exactly what I needed to hear when I found out that my inner critic is trying to keep me safe. Allow me to explain.
This is a viewpoint that I’ve only come across recently, and I’ll be the first to admit that it can sound a little strange at first. It’s worth trying to understand, at least it was for me! Truthfully, this concept has brought me a sense of relief and it’s improved my ability to be compassionate toward myself. I think there’s good reason for this.
I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which is something I’m constantly trying to understand better. As I’ve learned more about this disorder, I found out that having a loud inner critic is a common problem for individuals with C-PTSD. Naturally, I wanted to know why.
There are a variety of theories about this, some of which feel like common sense. One idea is that in situations of chronic trauma or abuse, there is very likely to be constant negative messages and these eventually turn into similar self-talk. That seems obvious.
Yet there is another idea that I find fascinating, the idea that the critical inner voice may be a misguided attempt at protecting oneself. For example, if I think I’m the worst person in the world, then maybe others will too, and if so, maybe I’ll be left alone so no one can hurt me. Or… I’m the one that’s fundamentally “wrong and bad” (not the abusers), meaning that if I could just magically change myself then perhaps I’ll no longer be harmed. Yet the perfect version of me doesn’t happen, so I’m trash. Whoa that tracks… and also ouch.
It’s no wonder that telling off that voice didn’t feel all that great, it was already speaking to me out of a place of deep pain. Piling on more anger, blame, and shame was never going to help. I could never get the true message, and it was one I needed to hear: I’m trying to protect you.
I continue to learn what it means to show this voice compassion, but the longer I try, the better I am getting at it — and it does cause things to shift. Now instead of telling that voice to shut up, I try my best to have a kind conversation with it. This sounds a lot different.
Inner Critic: You are too much of a loser to get out the door.
Me: What are you afraid of?
Inner Critic: I’m afraid to go to this new yoga class because I don’t know anyone there and what if they are dangerous?
Me: That’s a valid concern, but you know what? I’m an adult now. If class doesn’t go well, I’ll simply leave. In the past through no fault of my own, I couldn’t always do this, but now I can. I will keep us safe.
Inner Critic: OK.
Commence actual healing.
Not all these conversations with myself are quite that smooth, happen quickly, and they can take a bit of thinking. Sometimes I need to pick things apart with the help of my therapist, a friend, or I sort it out myself. And yes I also occasionally continue down my self-hatred spiral, but it’s happening less. I will keep getting better, even with setbacks, and I’m proud of that.
Have you tried the technique of naming your inner critic? Was it helpful to you or did you find it caused additional problems? What do you think about the idea that this voice is trying to protect you? Do you think it would work to try and understand this with compassion? Other thoughts or comments, leave them below!
If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.
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Heidi Fischer is a mental health advocate who lives in Saskatoon, Canada. Heidi enjoys writing about her personal experience with C-PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. Heidi is the creator of a popular mental health Instagram called @mentalhealthyxe and can also be found on her website mentalhealthyxe.com.
This recently happened to me. It took a few days to process. Your article was validation. I am not so sure the inner critic was trying to protect me as it left me confused and doubting. That did not feel good! I woke up this morning and could identify the critic. When I identified the critic, I connected the dots to the patterns of several traumas and my responses moving me into self compassion.
What was interesting was that I thought I was having self compassion but it must be on a different level than with a response to trauma. I know I was not believed in several traumatic things. The inner critic was not me but was struggling to be me if that makes any sense. I felt the struggle and wanted so much for the critic to become me and not my mother, so I could embrace and not berate who I was. Eventually, I did embrace but it wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t easy because I think I was afraid of the compassion. I know I have become a bit hardened to receive so it may take some time for adress the deeper pain.
Thanks for sharing your experience. ❤️
I’m so glad to read your story! Yes. Same for me! What is different is that my inner critic shows me pictures rather than talking to me. Same effect though. So I started realizing (thanks to Pat Ogden’s book, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy) that my inner critic is actually wielding a superpower to protect me. So when I talk ourselves out of a situation, I tell her that it’s a matter of using her superpower at the right time. She likes that. She relaxes. And I can breathe more freely!
I love that description and way you talk with your critic, thanks for taking the time to comment!! 💙
Thanks for this reframe. I was never able to get any benefit from the talking back to the inner critic technique, but using the one you suggested did the trick!
For me, the issue is almost always fear of the unkown and that I will fail somehow at something – anything. I can talk myself out of so many things that way.
The most recent was going to the car wash in my (new to me) car. Not having done it before, I put it off for a really long time. After reading your technique, I figured out it was the “I’ve never done this before, everything could go wrong” fear that rules most every situation like this.
I told myself that it would be ok, that this car could make it through the car wash just as my old car had. Of course, the car (and I) were fine.
Much appreciated!
I love how well this works for myself and now hearing that it does die others gives me a good smile. Congrats on the car wash too! Woo hoo! 💜
Omg… So many problems have stemmed from fighting against my inner critic. Berating was is essentially a child part of me that is scared, hurting, and trying to protect me from more damage/trauma will just further traumatize that part of me and cause them to lash out more, like little kids do when they’re hurt/angry/upset/overwhelmed.
I find that being kind and gentle, while not being patronizing or dismissive of the inner critic’s concerns, genuinely produces SO much more and rapid healing than does berating and shaming the critic for doing its job to protect.
what is* Geez… Typos. Lol
Yep that’s exactly how I feel, so happy to read this is helpful to you. 💕
This was so helpful! I had felt like my shame voice (the inner critic) was trying to keep me safe, but I didn’t know the next steps towards healing. Your explanation made so much sense! Having compassion for the critic and having a mental dialogue where I tell her how adult-me will keep her safe feels right.
Thank you for your comment and for sharing this was helpful, that’s always what I like to hear! I hope it will be helpful to you on your journey and I wish you all the best.