You’ve seen it most likely. A meme makes the rounds every year, starting about now-ish. That question floats around the internet about the movie that most represents your family Christmas.

People usually don’t understand why I pick “The Lion in Winter.”

That is the film that most closely depicts my family in “The Holidays”. All of us crammed together on our best behavior and underneath everyone seething. So many emotions just under the surface. No one talking about them. Just playing out our roles until time to do it again.

I think my favorite line is spoken by Katherine Hepburn’s Eleanor, “Of course he has a knife, he always has a knife, we all have knives! It’s 1183 and we’re barbarians!”

Don’t get me wrong. My family was not pulling steel over the Holiday bird. Nor did anyone ever get shivved in the kitchen – as far as I know. But, in my family words were wielded as weapons.

My brother’s outright threats were almost a relief from the snide commentary from my father. At least, I knew where I stood with my brother – well out of arm’s reach was a good start.

Mom spent the days prior and the day of any big winter holiday, frantically trying to knit together some type of “traditional” celebration. It was an unspoken law of the house, we were all on notice that we were not allowed to flub our lines, mar the scenery, or otherwise break the illusion. We were going to be a happy normal family, damn it.

For many, many years after I left home I was still drawn back to the family for “the Holidays.” Somehow the idea of ‘not going’ never even – hold on. Yeah, it did register – and the guilt that landed at my feet the times I tried to avoid the celebrations was monumental.

So, I formed a new pattern. I drove three hours, at least, to the chosen spot of the production. Three hours to run through every possible scenario of what could go wrong. An hour to eat, another hour to try to escape, and then three hours driving home where I contemplated driving into a highway overpass, off the side of a mountain, or into a river. Oh, fun times.

Even after I moved a thousand miles away there was still this inescapable, I don’t know what it was. But, even then, it was expected that I would drive a thousand miles and then go ‘a progress’ through the state to visit every uniquely dysfunctional member of the family.

The mind-boggling thing was – I went. I would dread my way down and then try to piece myself back together on the way home. Every year. I look at that now and can see that pattern was genuinely insane.

It hurt to go see my family. It was sharp, dangerous, deadly. I knew this – and I still went. I wonder how many other folks with CPTSD struggle with this need to return to our families of origin even though we know it is not in our own best interest. I can only guess it is because we are still hoping, perhaps subconsciously, for some type of connection.

Since the discovery of my CPTSD I have changed my pattern. I don’t say I have solved all my problems, but I know what my triggers are. I know what an emotional flashback is. I have developed ways to manage myself when I am off-balance or caught in a flashback.

The “Holidays” are not merry, nor happy for me, still. But, they have crawled over the line into the realm of the manageable. And, that is more than I ever thought possible.

Give “The Lion in Winter” a watch if you have never seen it. The Burton/Hepburn version is my favorite, but I’ll admit that the Stewart/Close version also had some brilliant moments.

One day, perhaps, I will be able to look at the “Holiday Season” without my teeth grinding. Until then, enjoy the movie.

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Mari Stewart

Currently I’m trying to find a publisher for novel 1. Writing. Writing. Editing. Editing.
And trying to tame the feral kittens that overrun the tiny town I call home.