Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
I was talking to someone recently about my desire to help trauma survivors overcome the lasting effects of trauma on their careers, and the comment I got was, “Wow, I can tell you are really passionate about that.”
I have heard this so much throughout my career that it started to sound like being passionate was somehow dirty or wrong. As a trauma survivor, I don’t always know how to receive the comments I get from people. Are they speaking in code? Are they saying something I should be picking up on? Does everyone else understand this social cue, and I just don’t?
I started thinking about the different times in my career when people said that to me and considered the context of those comments. The results of this meditation were pretty powerful for me, and I’m sure others have experienced the same thing. Perhaps there are others out there who have had to deal with someone who was passionate about something, and it was rather uncomfortable for you. Let’s lift the covers and take a peak at what was going on for me to see if you relate to it or not.
Fighting To Be Heard
Throughout my career, I often worked hard to be heard and understood. I have a propensity for seeing things that others do not see. It is not unusual for trauma survivors to have neurodivergent ways of thinking due to adverse childhood experiences during critical times of development. It has been both a blessing and a curse for me. Being able to see connections that others do not see makes me feel pretty smart, only to have that feeling neutralized by my inability to communicate to others what I am seeing. It then becomes an exercise in frustration.
On more than one occasion, I was symbolically patted on my head and told to stay in my lane by managers who would not even try to listen or investigate what I was attempting to communicate. I felt dismissed and rejected.
I had this insatiable desire to stand out in the crowd and set myself apart from others. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be heard. That does not seem abnormal, does it? After all, we all want to be seen and heard, right? But for me, there was this extreme intensity about it, like I was fighting for my life.
This intensity drove me to do things that negatively impacted my career advancement. For example, when I saw my manager “stealing” my idea and trying to claim it as his own idea, I “threw him under the bus” in a big meeting in front of senior leaders by asking him questions that I knew he didn’t know the answers to since it wasn’t his idea. Throwing people under the bus, especially your manager, is not a great career advancement strategy, and I highly recommend not doing it, but I did do that.
Another thing I did when I didn’t think people were listening to me or were patronizing me was to get louder and more “passionate.” Again, this was not your “I’m a Carolina Panthers fanatic” kind of passion; this was more like, “I am fighting for my life” passion. Needless to say, my career advancement opportunities were significantly limited.
Being Heard
I was 15 years into my 21+ year career at my company before I had a manager who took the time to really listen to what I was trying to communicate. She was willing to listen to “what” I was saying rather than “how” I was saying it. She wasn’t “put off” by my passion; she listened and asked questions to help me clarify what I was trying to communicate. I remember the day I felt really heard and listened to like it was yesterday. I was like, “Wow, they are really listening to me, and I don’t even need to raise my voice!!” It felt so good. It felt so validating. After that one day of being heard, I started settling down and changing. I finally felt appreciated for the value I brought to the table and started to have confidence in my view and opinion of things.
Overly Passionate
Years later, after I entered trauma therapy, I got curious about my passionate desire to stand out in a crowd and to set myself apart. What I discovered was so fascinating. I could trace this “fighting for my life” passion for being heard back to a near drowning incident that I had when I was four years old when I fell into the lagoon at my aunt’s house and couldn’t swim. I could see kids jumping off the pier near where I was, and I called out to them, and I can’t remember anything after that. My aunt tells the story about her neighbor jumping in, rescuing me, and bringing me to her front door soaking wet. I was finally able to see why I had to be heard. I could see why I felt like I was fighting for my life… because I was.
This was a trauma response that had woven itself into my very being. I continued to repeat the scenario over and over again, and even though I wasn’t really fighting for my life at my job, I still felt like I was.
Once I realized what was happening and corrected the belief that I needed to stand out in the crowd to survive, I could actually be part of the crowd. I was able to belong and allow myself to feel included.
I am telling you this because I want you to know that sometimes there is a trauma story behind the “fighting for your life” passion. People who have not yet processed their past trauma are still “fighting for their lives”; they are still fighting to be heard and seen.
Positive Passion
Just because I worked through correcting the belief about what I needed to do to survive does not mean that the behavior does not still creep in every once in a while. This pattern of behavior is a well-worn neural network with over 50 years of practice behind it, so, understandably, it will take some time to change.
So, when I hear the comment, “I can tell you are really passionate about that,” I have to stop and ask myself whether I am “fighting for my life” or just have strong, intense emotions about something. I have to ask myself, “Is this passion or a trauma response?”
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Believer. Leader. Learner. Advocate. Writer. Speaker. Coach. Mentor. Triathlete. Encourager. Survivor.
Most of all, I am a fellow traveler on the rocky road called, Trauma Recovery. My mission is to minimize the effects of trauma for survivors in the workplace.
I love what you are saying here Cyndi. I get it. Maybe this is what has been happening to me as well. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words. You are in good company.
Great job Cindi. I relate so much to what you have written. Drawing connections that no one else can see. Repeating myself and increasing my volume until someone asks, “Why are you so angry?” Overreacting to simple responses when someone is just trying to reflect on what I have been saying. Risk-taking in the workplace creating obstacles in my career path. The need to be heard can be traced back to my mother being taken away when I was just a few days old. The terror the infant child experienced when no one responded to his cries. I experienced repeated traumas thought my childhood and youth. Nothing triggers me more than “thinking” I haven’t been heard. Don’t try to fix me. Don’t try to figure it out. Just listen to me and tell me I’m okay.
Thanks again, Cindi. For letting me know I’m not alone.
Frankie, I am both happy and sad that you were able to relate to what I wrote. I am sad for the wee little baby whose mother was taken from him and didn’t have anyone to show up for him and regulate him. I am sad for the boy and teenager that had to fight so hard to be heard. I am sad for the man that had to raise his voice to get his point across. You didn’t deserve any of that. I see you. I hear you. YOU MATTER. I care. You are not alone!!!
Cyndi,
Your blog on CPTSD in the workplace was exactly what I needed. Before last week I had never heard of the term “emotional flashback,” nor did I know that was what I was experiencing at work the last month. Having been in various manager and executive positions for the last 20 years of my career, I’ve been quite successful professionally but suddenly felt horribly incompetent and completely unable to handle my unexpected emotions that were totally out of proportion to the incident that triggered them. I had no idea that the recent trauma I experienced over last summer had reopened old, unhealed childhood wounds that I was completely unprepared to handle. So thankful to have find this site and your blog posts – it’s a lifesaver!
Lauren, I’m glad my blog was a help to you. I really love what you said about being successful in the workplace over the past 20 years. Trauma survivors can be successful in the workplace, but as you and I have experienced, one thing can open up a zip file of memories from past trauma that we tried to put behind us without resolving, and then it gets in the way. The place where we felt most confident and competent becomes a place of emotional upheaval. I want to encourage you to invest in yourself by getting the healing you need to move through your trauma. I’m here to help if you need me. You are not alone.