Did you know there’s a difference between feeling bad about making a poor choice versus experiencing feelings of worthlessness as part of your core sense of Self?
And, the differences can be summed up as either examining the situation as separate from who you feel you are at your core, or in personalizing situations or choices where it can compromise how you see your Self.
Those private conversations we have with ourselves can either be powerful stepping down into self-awareness, or an equally powerful roadblock into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Our thoughts influence our feelings, which in turn influence our behavior.
For example, we may get angry with ourselves in choosing to still keep someone in our lives while ignoring the red flags that warned us otherwise. Here is where we can feel disappointment in ourselves for making a poor choice. This can play out as, “Wow, what was I thinking? I made a mistake. I should have listened to those red flags.”
On the flip side, some may turn the same experience inward as something being inherently wrong with themselves. In this situation, a person can begin ruminating more on past trauma or other situations that reinforce their feeling bad about themselves or that validate any bad situation they’re experiencing. Rather than staying focused on the present situation as separate from their sense of value and worth, they run with toxic thoughts about themselves that reinforce an inner critic.
In this situation, the messages a person hears aren’t based on their behavior per se, but on who they are.
Any private messages they tell themselves may be more aligned with, “Wow, I am stupid. I never pay attention to the red flags. I deserved what I got.”
Origins Of Our Inner Critic
Contrary to what some say, our inner critic is not inherent within us. Our inner voice is. An inner critic starts where our inner voice stopped in childhood, and our parents or caregivers’ messages took over. Children who come from violent, negligent, or invalidating environments are at the highest risk of developing an inner critic, along with other symptoms of complex trauma.
As a psychologist and Certified Clinical Trauma & Relationship Specialist, I have worked with many over the years who have said that their inner critic fires up in their parents’ voice, while others say that their critic has taken on their own inner voice. Some report that their critic speaks to them in the first person while others say their critic speaks to them in the third-person.
One thing that stands out consistently regarding the formation of an inner critic is childhood attachment trauma.
Kids who have their feelings denied begin questioning whether what they feel is true. Kids from punitive or abusive environments begin learning that the only attention they feel they’re worthy of is negative attention. Kids who are raised by laissez-faire and negligent caregivers learn that they have to fend for themselves and that their caregivers can’t be counted on for support. And, kids raised where their sense of safety, consistency, and stability are tossed out the window often wind up “chasing” toxic relationships and situations because this is what they know as “comfortable”.
To an impressionable teen, being abused instead of sitting down and taught right from wrong won’t do much except to teach the child survival mode, and to duck and run out of self-preservation. Some become adults who have developed a flight trauma response from these experiences and become adults who live distracted and run from a punitive inner critic that was learned along the way. Others may have developed a fight, freeze, or fawn response that has kept them reliving the earliest pain in their adult lives.
To an impressionable child, having their caregiver drop everything and “chase” another relationship with no regard for their child’s schooling or stability isn’t teaching the kid the value of school and structure, but instead is sending the message that their needs don’t matter, their parent’s desires do.
Overcoming these toxic messages can be challenging for many of us. I battled an inner critic for decades, and sometimes still struggle with it. Yet, if we take the time to learn some simple steps in silencing our critic, it gets easier to recognize our inner voice, from our inner critic.
4 Steps To Help You Conquer Your Inner Critic:
Consistency and Repetition. What many don’t mention is that unlearning anything is not a “one-and-done” situation. It requires consistency and repetition. Just as these inner critic messages had to be repeated over and over before we began wrongly buying into them, unlearning these messages does take time, consistency, and repetition.
Learn Your Emotional Triggers. If we have experienced attachment trauma or abuse in childhood, our nervous system often becomes dysregulated as a result of these adverse experiences. We may become more easily “triggered” where shutting down or lashing out become common reactions to feeling threatened. Some may put themselves in situations that resonate with their early trauma, such as with toxic “friends”, abusive relationships, or unsupported environments. These situations can negatively reinforce an inner critic, making it important to recognize what situations or people “trigger” a trauma response.
Learn Where the Message Was First Taught. Inner critic messages are not inherent within a person. These are often modeled and conditioned in a person’s childhood and often as a product of attachment trauma. Understanding where these messages originated, helps a person gain empowerment in their personal history and their story, so they can learn tools to counteract these messages.
Take a Step Back and Change Your Perspective. This can be tough for many at first. By taking a few steps back, we are changing how we perceive a situation. This in turn helps us separate our sense of Self from any toxic inner critic messages. By practicing this tool, we also gain insight and awareness into how to dismantle these messages by pausing and challenging the messages received.
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Dr. Annie Tanasugarn is an internationally respected doctor of psychology, Certified Clinical Trauma and Relationship Specialist, and Behavioral Consultant. She helps her clients heal from histories of attachment and relational trauma while teaching them functional and adaptive skills for fostering overall well-being and promoting healthy relationships. Dr. Tanasugarn has revolutionized how we heal ourselves with her Self-Healing Through Self-Discovery Approach that is a breakthrough method targeting several key areas in her clients’ lives. Her mission is to provide clients with a safe place for reflection that fosters insight and self-discovery.
Dr. Tanasugarn has over two decades of expertise in the fields of psychology and Behavior Science and is an experienced trauma-informed clinician. She owns the company Behavior Thrive, LLC and has additionally completed advanced certification coursework in the Gottman Method for couples and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). She is a lifetime member of the American Psychological Association, and is a distinguished member of the Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies and the American Association for Contextual Behavior Science.
