Codependency is a psychological condition in which one person feels an inordinate responsibility for loved ones in a relationship. This reliance can grow to unhealthy proportions, where they feel responsible for their loved one’s thoughts, actions, or feelings and it can impact how they view themselves (lack of self-compassion, feeling unworthy, self-sabotage, the list is long) how they view others, and the world at large.

Codependency is a fawning response in the nervous system. Everything boils down to the nervous system and emotional safety; we can’t control this within ourselves, this drive to stay safe. The brain’s first order of business is to protect the body. Fawn types seek safety by merging with the needs, wishes, and demands of others.

In another article where I chronicle my journey with Codependency — because let’s face it, we don’t end up in this work by accident — I talk about it as, “ I sacrificed my own needs, wants, and thoughts to satisfy someone else in hopes that they would love me and never abandon me.” One of the keys to this statement is the abandonment piece. (Read the full article here.)

The dysfunctional family role of Scapegoat is the person in the family who is groomed to accept all the responsibility, the fault, the blame, and the shame

So that begs the question, how do we get here?

Growing up in abuse and trauma, the dysfunctional family role of Scapegoat is the person in the family who is groomed to accept all the responsibility, the fault, the blame, and the shame. It’s the way the abusers discharge their own shame, blame, and hurt onto another person so they can escape the intense emotional responses. Of course, we know it doesn’t work, but that’s the unconscious intent.

And, being on the receiving end of that is one of the foundational pieces in our toxic, pervasive shame, because the Scapegoat is seen as a threat to the dysfunctional family, and are barraged with mental and emotional abuse. It’s daily emotional abandonment from the people who are supposed to care about and for you.

Why are scapegoated children a threat? A scapegoat child’s growth threatens the abusive parent’s delicate, brittle, and bloated self-worth. Growth is an amazing process for a child, figuring out in healthy circumstances what they like, and what they are good at. It’s a beautiful, wondrous process and the abusive parent who casts the child into the scapegoat role can only be threatened by this.

Being told you are selfish, you never can measure up to others, and everything you do is wrong, paves the way for the abandonment of our emotions and core self. We essentially co-opt the abusive words and in shame’s effort to protect us, turn them on ourselves for sometimes decades after we are out of that terrorizing situation.

This toxicity and intense trapped emotions are turned on oneself and that is what we bring into our adulthood

Basically, when a child is the dumping ground of criticism, judgment, and harsh treatment, they still have all the emotions rise up in response to it, such as anger, sadness, and grief, but there is nowhere for it to go as it isn’t safe to express it. This toxicity and intense trapped emotions are turned on oneself and that is what we bring into our adulthood.

The child adapts to this behavior and it becomes easier to believe all the bad stuff they say, and shame tells us they are right and tries to keep us small and silent, which is its purpose. As an adult, it’s the only way we’ve known how to treat ourselves: those neural pathways were mapped young and shame turned toxic long ago.

From there, the need to contort and sacrifice ourselves to fit the dysfunction and self-hatred is second nature. This is the codependent piece for individuals who have been scapegoated.

I remember when I was about six years old and I loved to write short stories, I told my mother that I wanted to grow up to become a writer. Her response was to laugh cruelly and say that I would never be able to do it, I wasn’t smart enough. She then brought it up, ridiculing me, in front of my abusive father and brother, who jumped on it and got a good laugh at my expense. I started to cry at the dinner table and they sent me to my room saying if I couldn’t control myself I wasn’t allowed to eat.

Then to further the cycle of abuse and dysfunction, this was brought up every so often over the years, resurrected to perpetuate my role of inconsequence and chronic disrespect in the family.

This may seem like a one-off situation, but for the child who is systematically scapegoated at every turn, this is their normalized experience.

So much of the time, we will repeat what we don’t resolve internally

In adult relationships, subconsciously we will draw to ourselves the people that are going to give us an opportunity to help us heal our family of origin issues. (This part really stinks, as we can come out of our dysfunctional childhood with the hope of better relationships, but it doesn’t always happen.) So much of the time, we will repeat what we don’t resolve internally: those feelings of always needing to fix it if someone is upset with our behavior (codependency characteristic) and right away feeling like there is something wrong with us, and we aren’t good enough (which is the toxic shame of course.)

To do this work, we learn how to hold these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors up to the light and see the fallacy of them.

Did I go on to write after being scapegoated and ridiculed for a childhood dream? Yes. Did it take some work to not believe their opinions of me?

Yes.

Because at the end of the day, what I know to be true is when someone is treating another human being that way, it’s actually about their shame. It doesn’t feel good, but being able to dissolve those broken beliefs about ourselves and melt that conditioning into “that’s their stuff,” is incredibly healing. Learning how to believe in ourselves is rife with self-compassion, healthy shame, and working towards interdependent relationships.

We don’t do this work to change other people: we do this work to remove our need for them to change.

The codependency characteristics are adaptive ways for us to survive the trauma of abuse and dysfunction. We couldn’t have done it any differently.

I hope you are taking good care of all your parts today, especially those with toxic shame. You deserve healing and nurturing. You are enough.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Jennifer Kindera

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach Supervisor and Certified Healing Shame Practitioner, my focus at Jennifer Kindera Coaching is to help clients navigate their potential traumas which may be holding them back from living life to their fullest capacity. Trauma recovery coaching and healing shame takes time, but with an honest, inclusive, and compassionate space for the unfolding of your life journey, you can work to unravel the binds of trauma and shame to promote your capacity for healing and growth.