Clean Up on Aisle 9

How to recover from the aftermath of a flashback

Last week, I wrote about how to manage flashbacks utilizing grounding techniques. While it is important to have the tools to help you work through a flashback, it is equally important to know how to work through the aftermath of a flashback.

Flashbacks can leave a tidal wave of destruction in our self-confidence and relationships. The bigger and more intense the flashback, the more damage it can cause.

I was in that scenario this past week after being significantly triggered into a pre-verbal flashback of epic proportions last week. I have not experienced a flashback with this much intensity in a long time. It was scary because all of my “normal” coping strategies (journaling, connecting with friends to co-regulate) were not available since I had “no words” due to the pre-verbal nature of the flashback.

In the wake of the devastation, I heard myself saying… “Clean-up needed on aisle 9.” It happens. When you make a mess, you have to clean it up. You have to do that both internally and externally.

I have been through a significant number of flashbacks, and I am very familiar with the “clean-up” process, but since this was so fresh for me, I thought it might be helpful to share what that looked like for me so you won’t be surprised when it happens to you…and you will know what to do.

The Internal Mess

The clean-up process is no joke and takes some work…mentally, emotionally, and relationally. Once I could finally get myself regulated and grounded, the mental and emotional battle began. Self-criticism and shame were the Goliaths of this battle.

All the old messages were triggered… I am returning to my armor so no one can hurt me again…I can be all business and not put myself out there at all…I am too much for people…No one will ever want to work with me again.

And I had some new messages show up, too… How can you call yourself a trauma recovery career coach when you can’t even keep your own crap together?… How can you even think about teaching others when you experience the same things?

Imposter syndrome was alive and well in my mind, as was my inner critic. Where do you even start in a messy mental environment like this? I ALWAYS start by reminding myself of truth, and for me, spiritual truth comes first.

Applying Truth

God is still in control. He was not surprised by this situation and allowed it to happen for a reason. He ALWAYS has my best interest at heart. That truth settles my soul like no other can.

The next truth is about who I am. I am a beloved child of God AND a trauma survivor. As a coach, I have never pretended to be perfect and have it all together…quite the opposite.

I intentionally live out my healing journey authentically and very exposed, which is not always comfortable. I do that because I am not trying to be the “sage on the stage” but rather “the guide on the side.” I don’t have a doctorate degree in psychology or anything else for that matter, but I do have a lifetime of lived experience in managing my own trauma symptoms. That is who I am and how I’ve chosen to live.

The next truth is that God has called me to do the work of serving trauma survivors. It is not just a passion…it is also a calling. Serving can also mean leading by example. I am not the kind of leader who says, “Do as I say, not as I do.” I heard that too much growing up and vowed to God that I would never be like that.

After truth has been applied and my thinking has leveled out, the rest of the noise reflects the barking dogs of my past that no longer have teeth. I can ignore them because they can no longer hurt me.

Reconnecting with your support system

The second step in the internal clean-up effort is reconnecting with your support system. Self-criticism and shame want to keep us isolated and covered up. They don’t want others to see our failures and nakedness because they are trying to protect us.

The antidote for self-criticism is self-compassion and connection. We might be able to get to self-compassion on our own, but when we connect with our support system, their compassion for me and my experience will lead me to have compassion for myself.

I am so blessed to have several coach friends who are willing to hold a safe space for me when I am raw and needy. That has not always been the case, but I am so thankful for them.

The External Mess

In the wake of a flashback, there will often be ruptures in work relationships. If you have severe attachment wounds, as I do, the rupture of one earned attachment may make you feel a little wobbly and insecure about your other earned attachments. It did for me.

Creating relationships with secure attachments is difficult for someone with complex trauma, and it takes a long time to get there. Once we have those secure attachments, like I do with my therapist and coaching friends, they can still be impacted by a rupture in another relationship, like it did for me with a co-worker.

The doubt starts to creep into your thinking because you trusted the person you now have a rupture with, so it causes you to wonder whether your other friends will do the same thing or if there is something wrong with you that makes you unable to maintain secure relationships.

When this occurs, I try to reassure that little, scared part of me that this is not bigger than it is and that I will work on the repair.

The rupture and repair process

This process is essential for trauma survivors who are on the healing journey to learn. I did not know anything about this process until I was well into my 50s, and it is something my therapist taught me. I had never experienced it before because, quite frankly, I never really had a secure attachment with anyone.

In my experience, if I had a rupture with someone I was starting to trust, they were deemed no longer safe, and I would sever the relationship. That is one of the reasons why my relationships were a mile-wide and an inch-deep.

As a word of warning, the rupture and repair process takes two courageous people who sincerely care about the relationship, want to see it restored, and are willing to deal with the discomfort of the process. We may have ruptures in all kinds of relationships in the workplace that may not be able to be repaired because these elements do not exist.

Repairing a relationship rupture, whether it’s in a personal relationship or a therapeutic one, requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. Here are ten tips to help you navigate the process:

1. Acknowledge the Rupture: Recognize that a rupture has occurred and take responsibility for addressing it. Avoid denial or avoidance, as this can prolong the issue.
2. Open and Honest Communication: Initiate a conversation with the other person involved in the rupture. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and encourage them to do the same. Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.
3. Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself. Show empathy and understanding for their feelings and experiences.
4. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions. Recognize that feelings are valid, even if they differ. Validation can help create a sense of connection.
5. Take a Break if Needed: If emotions are running high and the conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer and more composed.
6. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values that can help you both work toward resolution. Finding common ground can be a unifying factor during the repair process.
7. Apologize and Forgive: If appropriate, offer a sincere apology for any actions or words that contributed to the rupture. Be ready to forgive as well. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward.
8. Learn from the Rupture: Reflect on what led to the rupture and the dynamics that played a role. Use it as an opportunity for personal growth and improvement in the relationship.
9. Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish clear boundaries or guidelines for communication and behavior moving forward. This can help prevent future ruptures.
10. Rebuild Trust: Rebuilding trust may take time. Be patient and consistent in your actions. Show through your behavior that you are committed to repairing the relationship.

Remember that repairing a rupture is a process that may not always lead to a complete resolution or reconciliation. Sometimes, the goal is to find a way to coexist or maintain a functional relationship while respecting each other’s boundaries and needs.

For the most part, I have found that the people I have established earned attachment with are more than willing to “stick with it” and work through the hard things. My co-worker and I followed this process to begin the healing process of our ruptured relationship. When everything is worked through, it strengthens the relationship because you know that this person will not “cut bait and run” at the sight of any trouble.

The Recovery Process

If you have done the internal and external work that I outlined above, you may feel emotionally exhausted. That is to be expected because you’ve just done a ton of deep therapeutic work.

Part of the recovery process is self-care. Reward yourself for doing the hard work. What does that look like for you? For me, it was a luxuriously long walk/hike around the lake at the Greenway, a massage, and reconnecting with my support system.

The healing journey can be exhausting at times, so we need to pace ourselves to keep moving toward our goals.

This article was much longer than usual, but I thought it necessary given the topic. I hope you find it helpful. I would love to hear from you. What are your experiences with the clean-up process after a flashback or the rupture/repair process?

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