The Antidote for Self-Criticism

Lately, I have received emails from readers who were critical of how they handled a particular situation at work that I wrote about. I’ve heard, “Well, I messed that up,” “I’m so stupid,” or “I suck at that.”

My friend, Jennifer Kindera, would immediately call that out as a shame response, and she would say that those shame responses are there to keep us safe. Did you have any idea that self-criticism was a trauma response?

Self-criticism refers to the habit of being overly harsh, judgmental, or negative toward oneself. It involves a pattern of evaluating one’s actions, abilities, and worth in a critical and disapproving manner. Self-criticism can manifest in various forms, including negative self-talk, self-blame, and harsh self-judgment.

Here are some key aspects of self-criticism:

1. Negative Self-Talk: Self-criticism often involves a constant stream of negative thoughts and self-talk. Individuals may berate themselves for mistakes, perceived shortcomings, or failures.
2. Perfectionism: Self-critics often hold themselves to impossibly high standards and may see any deviation from perfection as a failure. They may fear making mistakes and view them as evidence of their inadequacy.
3. Self-Blame: When something goes wrong, self-critics tend to immediately blame themselves, even if the circumstances are beyond their control. This can lead to excessive guilt and self-punishment.
4. Low Self-Esteem: Persistent self-criticism can erode self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-doubt.
5. Avoidance: Some individuals respond to self-criticism by avoiding challenges or situations where they might fail or be judged. This avoidance can hinder personal and professional growth.
6. Impact on Mental Health: Self-criticism is often associated with increased levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. It can contribute to a negative cycle of emotional distress.

Do you do any of these? I know I have. After everything we’ve been through as trauma survivors, why do we treat ourselves so harshly? In the past, I would say, “There is no one harder on me than myself,”…and that was a true statement. I would berate myself for any imperfections in my performance or appearance. I was not nice to myself, but I would never think about saying those things to anyone else.

We do this to protect ourselves. You see, this is part of the armor we use as trauma survivors. We toughen ourselves up so no one can ever hurt us again. If we are mean or cruel to ourselves, at least we are in control of it. We are often our meanest critics.

While self-criticism can sometimes motivate us to strive for excellence, chronic and harsh self-criticism is typically counterproductive and detrimental to our mental well-being. For us, this becomes a maladaptive coping strategy.

Addressing self-criticism

There is an antidote for self-criticism…it is called self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support that you would offer a friend in times of difficulty or suffering. It’s a practice of nurturing yourself emotionally and mentally, particularly during challenging moments or when facing personal shortcomings or mistakes.

Dr. Kristin Neff is a leader in the field of mindful self-compassion. I have a book in my library called “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook,” which she co-authored with Dr. Christopher Germer, which I highly recommend.

When I first started working through this workbook, self-compassion was a totally foreign concept to me. As I slowly worked my way through it and started to put into practice the concepts taught in the book, I could feel a shift in how I felt about myself.

According to the workbook, self-compassion consists of three elements:

1. Self-Kindness: This involves being warm and understanding toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes or perceived shortcomings, you respond with patience and kindness.
2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering, imperfection, and difficulties are part of the shared human experience is another aspect of self-compassion. It’s the understanding that everyone makes mistakes, faces challenges, and experiences pain at various points in life.
3. Mindfulness: Self-compassion also involves maintaining a balanced awareness of your emotions and experiences without suppressing or exaggerating them. It’s the ability to acknowledge and accept your feelings without judgment.

I am not going to lie; going through this workbook early in my healing journey was quite challenging but very worth it. At that time, I had no idea what mindfulness was. “Mindfulness counters the tendency to avoid painful thoughts and emotions, allowing us to face the truth of our experience, even when it’s unpleasant.” I certainly didn’t want to face the pain of what I experienced at that time in my healing journey; however, I learned that the only way to “get over it” is to go through it.

Revisiting this workbook’s contents has been refreshing and shown me how far I’ve come in my healing journey. You can do it too.

Tips for cultivating self-compassion

1. Recognize Your Self-Criticism: Begin by becoming aware of your self-critical thoughts and tendencies. Notice when you’re being hard on yourself or engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Practice Self-Awareness: Develop mindfulness by paying attention to your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without judgment. Mindfulness can help you identify moments when self-compassion is needed.
3. Treat Yourself as a Friend: Imagine how you would support and comfort a close friend who is going through a tough time. Apply that same kindness, understanding, and encouragement to yourself.
4. Use Positive Affirmations: Replace self-critical thoughts with positive affirmations. When you catch yourself being overly critical, counteract it with affirmations like “I am doing my best” or “I am worthy of love and acceptance.”
5. Practice Self-Kindness: Be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes or face challenges. Avoid self-judgment and replace it with self-kindness. Treat yourself as you would treat a loved one in a similar situation.
6. Embrace Imperfection: Understand that nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is a natural part of being human. Embrace your imperfections and view them as opportunities for growth.
7. Common Humanity: Remind yourself that you are not alone in your struggles. Recognize that everyone faces difficulties and setbacks at various points in life. This sense of shared humanity can reduce feelings of isolation.
8. Self-Compassionate Language: Use self-compassionate language when talking to yourself. Replace self-criticism with phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” or “I’m not alone in this.”
9. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your physical and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, a balanced diet, relaxation techniques, and activities that bring you joy.
10. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you’re struggling. Sharing your feelings and experiences with others can provide valuable emotional support and validation.
11. Journaling: Consider keeping a self-compassion journal where you write about your experiences, thoughts, and emotions with a compassionate perspective. This can help you process your feelings and practice self-compassion.
12. Mindful Self-Compassion: Explore formal practices like mindful self-compassion meditations. These guided exercises can help you cultivate self-compassion skills systematically.

Remember that self-compassion is a practice that takes time to develop. Be patient with yourself and understand that it’s normal to have moments of self-criticism. By consistently applying these tips, you can gradually cultivate a more compassionate relationship with yourself, leading to greater emotional well-being and resilience.

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