Narcissistic abuse of children is extremely harmful to their mental and physical health. These kids grow up with mixed messages about who they are and suffer other consequences from never feeling they belong.
This piece will focus on the trauma bond and the healing journey that children of narcissists must endure to live happy lives.
Traits of a Narcissistic Parent
One would think that a narcissistic parent would stand out in a crowd, but this is not true. Narcissists go to great lengths to look and act as good parents in public, all the while mistreating their children at home.
To help in recognizing a narcissistic parent, please see the list below.
- Always needing everything to be about them.
- Brags to others about their children’s accomplishments but not to their children.
- Always blames others for the problems that result from their bad behavior.
- Uses guilt copiously and brags about how much they do for you.
- Utilizes any of three manipulative behaviors, blaming, shaming, and guilt-tripping
- Uses negative comparisons about one child against another
- Places unrealistic pressure on their children to succeed so they will look good
- Manipulates by way of rewards and punishments
- Uses emotional coercion to force their children to measure up to their expectations
The list above does not begin to cover the ways narcissistic parents can harm their children.
The Trauma Bond
A trauma bond occurs because of consistent and ongoing cycles of abuse with an intermittent reinforcement of reward. This treatment creates a powerful emotional bond that is extremely hard to shake, like what happens in Stockholm syndrome.
Stockholm syndrome includes symptoms that occur when a person is held hostage or as a prisoner. People living under the circumstances of punishment and reward develop empathy, sympathy, and love for their incarcerator.
While children of narcissists are not legally held as prisoners, they are incapable of escaping the circumstances under which they live. Like with Stockholm syndrome, adult children of narcissists have become trauma bonded. These adults feel great empathy and protective of their parents, even knowing what happened to them in childhood.
The trauma bond is extraordinarily strong, and few are the people who can break it without professional help.
Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement
In a home where one or both parents are narcissistic, the parent practices a pattern of cruel withholding of love mixed with random acts of affection and reward. This intermittent reinforcement leaves the children of narcissists perpetually seeking their abuser’s approval. Intermittent reinforcement also leaves the children to settle for the small crumbs of love they occasionally receive.
Intermittent reinforcement by narcissists hooks children’s brains into bonding with them, much like a gambler gets hooked by a game of chance. Indeed, children become addicted to always seeking rewards from their narcissistic parents because intermittent reward sets off a cascade of chemical reactions in their brains.
Biochemically, the brains of narcissistic victims release copious amounts of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline that are released during trauma. Dopamine is a powerful ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter that affects the pleasure center of our brains. The on and off again love and attention given to children by narcissists flood their brains with dopamine. This flooding causes what is akin to an addiction to the narcissistic parent (Fisher 2016).
Indications a Trauma Bond is Present
There is a quote by Frank Herbert, the author of the book Dune, that is a good fit in this section. “Knowing that a trap exists is the first step in avoiding it.” Trauma bonds are a trap that children form that can hold them back from living healthy lives as adults. Knowing that the trap exists, that one is a victim of a narcissist, is indeed the first step towards overcoming their effects on one’s life.
To fully become aware of the trap of the trauma bond with a narcissist, one must first become aware of the symptoms. Some of the indications of the existence of a trauma bond are below.
Walking on Eggshells. You find yourself trying to please your abuser, who gives you little in return. You walk carefully around the narcissist in your life to avoid ‘making’ them upset or angry.
Letting Go. Although you understand that your parent is abusive, you cannot get yourself to let go of the relationship. Instead, you ruminate over their abusive behavior towards you and engage in blaming yourself for the wrongdoing of the narcissist in your life.
Dependent. Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent upon what the narcissist says of you and behaves toward you.
You Change Your Behavior. You often change your behavior to give the abuser what they want, putting your own needs on the back burner. However, the narcissistic parent does nothing to meet your needs.
Addicted. As the child of a narcissist, you feel the need to have your parent validate and approve of everything you do. You continue to look toward the narcissistic parent for comfort only to be met with more abuse. You are addicted to being poorly treated and playing the narcissist’s game.
Defending the Abuser. You find yourself keeping the bad behavior of your narcissist secret and defending it to others. Even when others like family or friends try to warn you of what they see, you defend by claiming your relationship is a good one and that you are happy.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors. One might begin to engage in any of many self-harming behaviors, including substance abuse, cutting, or developing an eating disorder. You might also find yourself dissociating away from the pain and shame caused by the narcissist.
The list above is not all-inclusive as there are many symptoms children of a narcissistic parent exhibit.
The Healing Journey to Overcome Narcissistic Parents
Healing from narcissistic abuse that occurred in childhood is an arduous and complicated road. However, if one wishes to live a full and happy life, then you must begin to work on the issues caused by the narcissist.
It may be necessary to maintain a distance and have no contact with the narcissistic parent. This may seem harsh, but until you get your sea legs, it may be the best thing you can do for yourself. Beware, the narcissist in your life will become infuriated by your standing up for yourself. Still, they will get over it in time. Remember, their focus is on themselves, not you.
Below we will discuss four of the steps to moving toward emotional independence and healing.
- Acknowledge the abuse that happened. This is perhaps the most painful part of healing. No one wants to admit to themselves that their parent did not love them but used them for their own ends. However, it is vital to recognize that your parent did not treat you well. Acknowledging narcissistic abuse happened gives one the power to knock down the barriers that have held you back for so long.
- Prepare yourself for some strong emotions. The trauma bond with a narcissistic parent is toxic, and breaking that trauma bond will set you up for a boiler room of emotions. These emotions might include:
- Grief
- Loss
- Anger
- Shock
- Sadness
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Shame
- Paranoia
It is imperative to remember that these strong emotions will pass as you gain more insight into who you are without your narcissist’s influence.
- Set firm boundaries and stick with them. If you do not have the privilege of distancing yourself from your narcissistic parent, it is vital to set impermeable limits with them. All through childhood, the narcissist has walked all over any boundaries you may have tried to set. Now is the time to build some barriers over which the narcissist or anyone for that matter may not cross. This step is scary as children of narcissists want to please their parents, but keep reminding yourself you cannot please them. Setting firm boundaries is essential to move toward independence.
- Seek professional help. Do not be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional for advice dealing with the emotional damages done by a narcissistic parent. The emotions that may overcome you when healing will be intense and could lead to substance abuse, or worse, suicidal thoughts. With the help of a competent therapist, there is no reason you cannot heal and achieve a sense of peace in your life.
As one might see, recovery from narcissistic abuse is not fun, nor is it for the faint of heart. Nor does healing from the life damages done by a narcissistic parent happen overnight. It takes time and self-care to accomplish healing and become who you were always meant to be.
As one might see, recovery from narcissistic abuse is not fun, nor is it for the faint of heart. Nor does healing from the life damages done by a narcissistic parent happen overnight. It takes time and self-care to accomplish healing and become who you were always meant to be.
Using Positive Affirmations
To change one’s thoughts about themselves after narcissistic abuse and to escape a trauma bond is extremely difficult. One way to defeat the negative self-talk that will fill your mind while healing, try practicing the use of positive affirmations. To utilize these crucial statements, stand before a mirror, and repeat the following statements:
- I am capable
- I am worthy of respect and dignity
- I open my heart to learning to trust again
- I know my truth, and no one can take that away from me
- It is okay not to be okay
- All my emotions are legitimate
- Every day I am healing more
- I am at peace with myself
- I accept myself with all my flaws
- I am exactly where I should be considering where I came from
- Right this moment I am safe
- My needs and desires are just as important as anyone else’s
- I trust my inner voice
- I am enough
While it may seem silly to tell yourself these things, if you do it enough, they will sink in and become prophecies of your new life. Look yourself straight in the eyes when you repeat these affirmations. After all, you genuinely are worthy.
“Although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld.” ~ Martha Beck
If you or a loved one are living in the despair and isolation that comes with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, come to us for help. The CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services including:
- Daily Calls
- The Healing Book Club
- Mindfulness, Prayer, and Meditation Circle
- Support Groups
- Our Blog
- The Trauma-Informed Newsletter
- Daily Encouragement Texts
All our services are reasonably priced, and some are even free. So, to gain more insight into how complex post-traumatic stress disorder is altering your life and how you can overcome it, sign-up, we will be glad to help you.
References
Fisher, H. (2016). Love Is Like Cocaine – Issue 33: Attraction. Retrieved from: http://nautil.us/issue/33/attraction/love-is-like-cocaine
My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.
I believe I have been in a marriage with a narcissist for almost 11 yrs. We have a 10 year old son and are currently separated living in different homes. I am struggling if he may actually have a mental illness or if indeed he is this type of person. I am on the spectrum of considering taking him back. It scares me though.
Hi. Living with a narcissist is damaging to your health and that of your son. No matter what, if he has a bonified mental illness or not, you and your son deserve better treatment. He is completely responsible for everything he says and does. Think about your health and that of your child before you make your decision. I can’t offer advice but I can offer encouragement. You are not alone. Shirley
I should have left at “red flags” signs of being a chauvinist and a mind control freak. Early on he was teaching our Son to say “gril” instead of girl, that was a red flag, needless to say, 22 years later his abuse got really bad and his freaking mask fell right off! He immediately smear campaigned. turned our Son into another one of himself, ignoring everything that i as a healthy Mom wanted fit for our Son he did everything opposite. I’m afraid he’s lead our Son down an abuser angry road. I’m trying to leave ASAP.
I’m so sorry. Please, take care of yourself. Shirley
35 year old daughter of a narcissistic father.
Self proclaimed at this point.
I have just started to realize what is happening with me emotionally.
It’s insane to read this and finally breath a sigh of relief! I’m doing my best. I started my healthy boundaries.
This article really helped affirm where I am personally in this process of growth and healing.
Thank you
Don’t go back. Nobody stops what they like someone or something has to stop them. Don’t bring children near them…stay away. Take off. Cut contact. This is not a game you wanna play again. I promise. Narcissists are like up to the date serial killers from the inside out. I know. One of few who can spot them what they did for NO Reason to my innocent babies still now grown is hidious despicable evil cruel inhumane and I did everything now I’m going in the LAST AND FINAL TIME. ITS OVER IM STILL NOT SMILING I SAID NO…
I have just been through a year in child court again because of my ex husband. He is most definitely a text book case. He abused me in every was possible and I divorced him when my child was one. ( impossible process resulting in bailiff to serve) I only saw his true self on the day I moved into our jointly mortgaged house! I spent a lot of it locked in the bathroom in tears… what had I done!!
I tried to fight for non contact but the court then did not recognise these forms of abuse!) police useless!!
Over the past 14+++ years I never informed and will never tell my child a thing of my past as this would only cause more trauma and pain.
I knew that I had to build my life again and that he would show his colours eventually. He DID, many times. I tried to mediate, always being ‘nice’ played the long game. It worked.
My child reached 11 and decided dad’s behaviour was not ok, in fact far from it; adamant, wanted nothing to do with him. The reasons:
Comparisons made between friends dads, talking with mates; who said it “sounds like a horror story!” Finally mind made up.. didn’t want to be walking on eggshells any more or terrified by him!
I said right if that’s what you want I will do all I can, you can always change your mind!! But I will fight for you now, briefly explained the process and checked that was ok.
I did! This time I WON! Despite his lies, manipulating bullying, scare tactics!
We had a prohibitive steps order!! Which was briched… tut tut!
After much stress, social services court trips and a very fair balanced judge!
WE NOW have a to live with order. My child was so happy and relieved! What an incredible difference it has made.
My child is still having Councelling and has had EMDR therapy which helped a lot; bags of confidence, it’s amazing.
Do not fear if you do the right thing. You can get out!!
Namaste to all 🙏
You are an amazing survivor! Thank you for sharing your story!! Shirley
I am in same situation and going for custody of 2 girls 15 and 13. If you’re willing to give advice on winning custody from a narcissist please let me know. They have trauma bonding with their dad but the 15 is ready to get out. 13 year old scared to “hurt” him , but he is neglectful as well as verbally and emotionally abusive.
One of the problems I have when reading about narcissism, abusive relationships, and trauma bonding, is that the entire time I was with my husband, I thought we were soul mates and never thought of him as abusive or narcissistic. I did think of him as an “a** hole” at times , and blamed myself for thinking that. I feel guilty for that still.
I did not ever once say to myself, “I need to leave this abusive person”. I never thought of him as abusive. I felt like I was a nut case. I drove him nuts. I was annoying. I was irritating, too needy, clingy, etc. I couldn’t stand him out of my sight. I was addicted to him. I questioned myself constantly, questioning what I said, how I said it, and felt worthless.
Most of what I read about all being in an emotionally abusive relationship or trauma bonding, makes it seem as thought the “victim” so to speak, knows they are in an abusive relationship. In a trauma bond, or in a sick relationship, first, it takes two people. i was set up for it in childhood. Second, the dynamics make it seems as though the “victim” is at fault all the time. Therapy was pointless because I was the bad person who couldn’t let the past abuse go. I felt guilty then and still do 13 years after the divorce.
I would love to read something written to people who still feel guilty and bad about leaving the partner they are bonded to; it’s so hard to believe it was worth it to leave. I need a dictionary of cliches and phrases used by manipulators so I can remind myself whenever I start grieving again, that there was a reason I left. It’s so hard.
Rebecca Zung’s Narcissist Favorite Sayings on youtube
This is the best information I have read Re CPTSD and the effects of being an adult child of a narcissistic parent.
The depression it has caused me in the aftermath of my fathers death was extraordinary due to the abuse that worsened – as she made it entirely about her and rejected and abandoned me in such an important time of grieving but also defended a siblings abuse of me.
It led to a complete breakdown where I fell into depression and verbally raged at my mother. However not a single apology came forth from her. It was all one way and the blame and shame was placed on me.
I had said things I would not normally say in a calm and normal state of being such as not even wanting to go to her funeral and kicking her out of my house.
We are talking but there is no admission by her that she is to blame for this breakdown- she just called it “grief”.
So it leaves me feeling that I have a very shallow relationship with my mother and this has been another source of grief in itself, alongside the grief of my brothers abuse.
So really, after dad died, our family died along with it.
My mother is trying to make connections with me as she notices the distance but it is still very much shallow and there is no addressing of the “elephant in the room”.
I am now dealing with major depression due to her and my feelings of shame and regret from my verbal outburst at her,
What do you recommend for healing and to live my life free of this CPTSD, guilt snd shame?
Also narcissists lack any empathy for others, if they do a seemingly good deed it’s so they will feel good about themselves or look good to others. They have lots of self empathy, but also have a lot of shame. Does it help the children to heal their own inner trauma if they understood that their parent(s) are/were also victims? Though the children have every right to feel angry and hurt, their parent(s) were also victimized by situations that they had no control over. My parents were also narcissists and it took me a long time to realize that they were victims of trauma themselves. I did not understand until later in life that my father was trying to put a name to what he suffered from; on one occasion he said, “I think I figured it out; I have Schizophrenia (he was delusional but did not have hallucinations)”. I was too young at the time and trying to figure my own self out and had no idea how to respond. Today I could have told him that he suffered from NPD (learned it in psyche class) and who knows, maybe it would have helped him. The thing is that I wonder if such parents are already aware and all it would take is for someone to put a name to it so the cycle can be stopped.
My parents ruined the lives of their 4 sons. I am the luckiest, I suppose, with a lasting marriage and retired from police work. There were a lot of rough spots, for which I now understand the origin.
My oldest brother is filled with anger and has had problems with relationships. Another older brother died in a mental hospital, related to Schizophrenia, which was probably related to drug use. He was the original golden child, but he lost that when he was institutionalized. My younger brother became the new Narcissist when our mother died. He wants to believe he won the grand inheritance lottery, but he lost in so many other ways. He is so screwed in the head that he can’t see it. Even Dad died an ugly death, which both he and my mother had a hand in, and I got to witness. Dad is dead for over 30 years, nutjob mother is dead for 7 years, I haven’t spoken to golden brother in over 10 years. I am trying to move past mourning the loss of the normal family I never had.
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