What do you do when you feel unheard at work as a trauma survivor?

No one likes being ignored, but for trauma survivors, not feeling heard can trigger a lot of past experiences and strong emotions. How should you handle this when it happens?

Notice I didn’t say “if” it happens. It will happen at some point unless you work for yourself, although you may still ignore that little nagging voice in the back of your head too.

I just had this experience in my place of employment yesterday, and I found it interesting how I responded on this occasion compared to how I responded in the past. I immediately knew I had to write about it because it happens so often.

The Foresight

It is not unusual for trauma survivors to see things others do not see, like concerns that could bite you if left unaddressed. Years of hypervigilance have trained our senses to tune into the slightest hint of danger. Some survivors might be disturbed by hypervigilance, but I see it as a survivor superpower. Who wouldn’t want to be the first to spot land when sailing with Christopher Columbus?

Sometimes because of the changes made to our brains as the result of childhood trauma, we have a tendency towards neurodiversity. Neurodiversity is a fancy word that means that our brains work differently than others, but that is not a bad thing. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and I appreciate the diversity of thought.

I have a 100-pound black Lab named Sam that sits in my home office and sometimes acts as my super-sensitive nervous system, as he barks at the slightest movement or noise. Our nervous system is just like my dog; it alerts us to potential danger. When we are alerted, we must stop what we are doing and check it out to see if there is any real danger. Most of the time, I find nothing to worry about, and I tell him that he is OK and to go back to sleep.

The Intensity

The challenge for us, as survivors, is when the alarm sounds and we are immediately transported in our minds and emotions to a different time in our past when there really was danger. This is called an emotional flashback. We have the same feelings, thoughts, and urgency to escape that we had at that time. Our instinct is to take action of some kind to avoid danger.

When we are at work, like my dog, we sound the alarm as soon as we have any inkling of trouble, and if no one responds to our alarm, we get louder and louder, and the intensity of our “bark” increases until someone takes action.

This happened to me at work quite often in the past, and I did not handle it well. The intensity of my alarm was “off the charts” because, in my mind, I was fighting for my life. When I was patted on the head by someone who didn’t even take the time or make an effort to see whether there was any real danger, I felt frustrated and may have called them stupid for not being able to see what I was seeing. At the time, I didn’t realize that not everyone could see what I was seeing. I got myself into a lot of trouble.

The Shift

Earlier I said that I had this experience yesterday and thought it was interesting how I responded differently this time. My alarm still sounded, and I raised my hand to voice my concern, but my boss didn’t take the time to investigate and instead was dismissive. I could feel the intensity rising, and I argued more intensely for a minute until I realized what was going on. At this time, I manually shut off my alarm system, realizing she could not see what I saw.

As a neurodivergent, I have found that I often have to work really hard to get people to understand what I am seeing. Trying to find the words to communicate the danger is always a struggle, even for someone who is a writer. I realized that in the context of that meeting, she was unwilling to investigate my concerns, but that didn’t mean my concerns were invalid.

I have only been working with this new boss since mid-May, so we are just getting to know one another. She doesn’t know about my superpower and that I am trying to help her avoid trouble.

I see how far I’ve come in my healing journey by my response to not being heard. I can ground myself and understand that this is a valid concern, and with my brain online, I can create a communication plan to help her see what I am seeing.

I have not created that communication plan yet since it only happened yesterday, but I will work on it. She is unaware I felt dismissed because I haven’t shared that with her yet, but I will. I can provide her with examples of what she did that caused me to feel that way, and as the brilliant leader I know her to be, I know she will take corrective action.

Final Thoughts

Feeling heard is especially important for trauma survivors; however, as we progress in our healing journey, I invite you to consider how you show up in the workplace when you don’t feel heard. Are your reactions indicative of an unhealed trauma response? Can you regulate or co-regulate your nervous system responses to keep your brain online? Do you have a plan for how to handle these situations when they come up? Do you have someone you can bounce this off of for advice? Are you showing up the way you want to show up in the workplace?

I will leave you with a favorite quote from Viktor E. Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.